it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
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I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
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Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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