sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
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