Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Randomize
