i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
