i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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