just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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