It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Randomize
