I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
