Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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