nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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