So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
