Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
