Where is the hickey?
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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