Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
wow bdsm is so cute
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
