Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Randomize
