New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
