When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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