I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
