Pappa wants mamma naked
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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