Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
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