party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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