i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
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