You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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