I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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