Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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