tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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