So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
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