just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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