i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
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