Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
