Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
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