I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
