Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
The air was thick with penises
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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