Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
