She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
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