I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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