i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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