Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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