i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
