that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I fill condoms, not promises.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
