can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
