I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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