he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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