the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
