Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
