i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
the condom got lost in my hair
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
areolas are like halos for boobs.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
