Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
