they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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