would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I don't deserve a penis
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
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