Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
