Im at strip club and am horny
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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