hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
