Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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