this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
